That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
