Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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