Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
