Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize