I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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