You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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