omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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