I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
