I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
