i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
