I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.