I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
