dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
