think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
