Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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