my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
