It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
