So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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