I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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