I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
