I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
