You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
