Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
