New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
