We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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