fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
