Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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