I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
