Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
