I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Randomize
