dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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