You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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