addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
