hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
