I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
