Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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