You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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