I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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