I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
