I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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