Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
