was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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