Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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