I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
