brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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