The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize