If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wish there were birth control emojis
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize