Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
