theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
