Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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