Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
