1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
