im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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She told me I should be a condom model.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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