Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
