i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
