I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
