I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
