Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
