i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
